This Christmas eve
I've got no sweetheart
No one to desire
No one to hold by the fire
I'm all alone
No love to keep me warm
No I don't get no nookie
Not even Christmas cookies

Well it's good
To be single
On Christmas
'Cause I don't have to buy a damn thing
No cashmere gloves or sweaters
No diamond rings
Yeah my wallet's fat so I think that
I'm gonna go drinking
Yeah it's good
To be single
On Christmas
'Cause I ain't got no family but my own
No crappy gifts from in-laws
No socks or cheap cologne
Yeah it's Christmas time 
So it's the perfect time
To be alone

No Vicky's Hush-Hush
Or Bath & Body Works
No runnin' round in jewelry stores
Like those other jerks
No wastin' time standin' in line
For some smarmy clerk
Savin' jack this season's just
One of the many perks

Well it's good
To be single
On Christmas
'Cause I don't have to buy a damn thing
No cashmere gloves or sweaters
No diamond rings
Yeah my wallet's fat so I think that
I'm gonna get a case of Yuengling
Yeah it's good
To be single
On Christmas
'Cause I ain't got no family but my own
No crappy gifts from in-laws
No socks or cheap cologne
Yeah it's Christmas time 
So it's the perfect time
To be alone

Now I'd be lyin' if I said
There weren't some drawbacks
It's been a while so you gotta
Cut me some slack
Maybe some Christmas cheer
Is what I lack
So Santa bring me down a blue-eyed blondie
There in your sack

'Cause it sucks
To be single
On Christmas
No families to spend my time with
But my own (God, they're boring!)
No hand-holding under a blanket
Talkin' 'bout Dave Conception
Yeah I'm all alone
So don't postpone
Draw me a Guinness draft without the foam
I'm miserable being alone on Christmas
No one but Johnny Walker by my side
Think I'll have another finger or six
And take a long cab ride
Yeah it's bona fide
I've searched worldwide
But I'm still without a bride
Christmas makes me want to
Shoot myself in the face...