September 2009 Archives

Jenny Slate says "fuck" on SNL (w/video)

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Poor Jenny Slate. Saying “fuck” is not the best way to impress people in your first appearance as a featured player on Saturday Night Live, especially when the sketch is entirely based around how many times they say the word “friggin.’”

Disco Fever

A lot of people have been writing about Royals minor league relieverChris ‘Disco’ Hayes, most of it as a result of Joe Posnanski writing about him as his farewell column in the Kansas City Star. He’s a favorite of Fire Joe Morgan’s Ken Tremendous, too, who regularly tweets about him.

But you didn’t need to wait until the end of the baseball season to read about Hayes, did you. Of course not. Because we wrote about him on opening day.

Conservatives are always wrong

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“Conservatives are always wrong.”

That’s all that liberal politicians should really say when it comes to contentious issues. Conservatives are always wrong. Throughout the entire history of the United States of America, the conservatives have always been wrong.

Conservatives stood for the status quo as Loyalists, willing to be subjects to an unelected King. They were wrong.

Liberal Framers like John Adams and Ben Franklin tried to write the declaration of a new nation that would consider all men free. Conservatives from the South fought (and won) for the exclusion of this language, and ensured that blacks would be enslaved for another 89 years. They were wrong.

Pro-business conservatives tried to block child labor laws. They were wrong.

Conservatives fought against women’s right to vote. They were wrong.

Conservatives banned alcohol. They were disastrously wrong.

Conservatives fought to keep interracial marriage illegal. They were wrong.

Conservatives stood for integrated schools and against the Civil Rights Act. They were wrong. They jailed Rosa Parks, which was wrong, but convenient, and a great act of IRL trolling.

Conservatives thought it was okay for employers to deny employment on the basis of race, sex, or religion. They were wrong. They thought blacks needed to use separate drinking fountains, which is both wrong and ridiculous.

Conservatives fought to keep homosexuality illegal. They were wrong.

Conservatives prosecuted John Scopes for teaching evolution. They were wrong.

Conservatives tried to stop the creation of Social Security for our elderly citizens. They were wrong.

Note here how many of these instances deal with conservatives siding with Big Business. In fact, it is an inevitability that when conservatives side with big business on the issue of social change, they are wrong. History ALWAYS records the conservatives as being on the wrong side; this is not because history writers are liberal, but because CONSERVATIVES ARE ALWAYS WRONG.

I love you all

It’s not even 9am (okay, it will be by the time this is published) and I’ve already had ten of you wish me a happy birthday.

You are all amazing people. You are all phenomenally talented, brilliant, attractive and successful. I am indebted to you for putting up with me!

Oh, yeah, and thanks to mom for carrying me around for nine months, that must have sucked.

Truth in advertising

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I love Roger Federer. I’m upset that he lost, because now I know Andy Roddick could have won.

It has occurred to me that most of the individuals opposed to publicly-funded health insurance in the United States are also opposed to legal abortion.

This is very convenient, as there is a indefatigable argument you can make in response to these people.

If you are pro-life, then you must support publicly-funded health insurance. You cannot argue that a human being needs the protection of the public only until he or she emerges from his/her mother’s uterus. That is, frankly, a ridiculous concept.

If you believe that a human being deserves to be protected for his/her welfare, then that is what you believe. The age of that human being is irrelevant. You cannot be pro-life and anti-publicly-funded health insurance because that is prima facie hypocrisy.

Okay, so maybe you think that adults can fend for themselves. You’re still an idiot, but I’ll even grant you that. So we make a deal: everything is covered until you turn 18. Fair? None of this Medicaid stuff, no TANF, no food stamps. Single-payer for everything a child needs to be healthy.

If you do not support that, you cannot be pro-life. Period. There are zero arguments that can be made in favor of banning abortion that cannot be cross-applied to public support and health insurance for children.

I invite you to try, but you can’t do it. It’s impossible. If you believe in the protection of human welfare, then that is what you believe; a person’s right to live does not suddenly disappear once they arrive out of a vagina.

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    This page is an archive of entries from September 2009 listed from newest to oldest.

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