January 2007 Archives

It's not insomnia

It's 7 a.m. and I've not gone to bed yet because tonight I discovered Jandek.

How? Blame Wikipedia's List of unusual articles. I have a million other posts to make, but Jandek just took up most of my night.

I might have to wait until the sun comes up, it's that creepy.

I'm not exactly in the 60 Minutes demographic. I do, however, watch the program on a weekly basis. I feel it's important; I feel it's part of being an American to watch the program.

I don't know if I'm going to watch the program anymore. Why? Tonight Steve Kroft brought me a story that was, in essence, a five-minute-long advertisement for Best Buy's Geek Squad, one of the most ludicrously unnecessary organizations in world history.

Let's go to the videotape. (Transcript can be read for yourself here.

Oh, and you'll need to click the jump since this is gonna be a bit long.

Dear Veronica Mars,

If you keep choosing Logan over Piz, I'm gonna quit watching the show. And very subtle of you to add Ms. Bell's anti-meat politics to the plot of the show, too.

Nice to see Mac get the hookup, though. Sometimes I think I'd much rather have a girl like her than Veronica anyway.

My weekend (abridged)

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Ate fried ravioli at Jackson's with my parents
Attended one of the funniest shows in history, Jobsite's production of All The Great Books (abridged) and got awfully intimate with Mr. David Jenkins.

No, really, see? (Crappy scan upcoming)

Had breakfast at Perkins served to me by my adorable roommate Jennifer
Spent the day at Honeymoon Island with my parents
Nutted it up to go in the porn shop to buy Ralph & Meagan a home bondage kit
Ate lots of shrimp, drank lots of beer, plus some brandy, at the wedding shower
Lost in poker -- again -- to Ralph's cousin Alexis
Spent six hours at Ferg's watching football with Tina, A.J., and their temporary work friends Ellen and Cynthia (two of the funniest women I've ever met)
Talked to Rhiannon
Got absolutely no work done

It was a good weekend.

Seriously, if you haven't seen the latest (abridged) show, you have to go. It's that f*cking hilarious. My parents loved it.

American Idiot

Today ABC News and myriad other sources are asking if Fox's American Idol is "too mean."

"You look like one of those creatures that live in the woods with those massive eyes," infamous judge Simon Cowell told one "Idol" hopeful.

That's not that mean. These people got their 15 seconds of fame -- what more were they expecting? "American Karaoke" is probably the most insipid program in the history of American television, and I'm only being somewhat facetious in saying that, as Fox has certainly lowered the bar on numerous occasions... but the fact that nearly a third of American televisions were tuned in to the show's season premiere leads me to a handful of conclusions.

1. Americans like smack talk.

Americans have consistently proven ourselves to be increasingly milquetoasty, letting their words speak for what used to be their fists. Americans love the smack. Need proof? Let's see how many blog postings have been covering the increasingly-ugly love affair between Donald Trump and Rosie O'Donnell:

10,370 according to Technorati. Yes, a human being at some point wrote up the smack being tossed between the two huge losers more then TEN THOUSAND TIMES.

Americans love smack. They love heckling, too, as I found out during my weekly Tuesday night performance at the Hangout.

I had just finished my paean to a divorced woman with kids, Kid Things.

"Are you done?" a drunk man asked from across the room.
"When's Darryl coming back," asked an even more drunk woman sitting near me. (Darryl being the guy who I sit in for when he takes a smoke break.)

I asked drunk man if he would like to play.

"I don't know how to play."
"They what makes you such a f*ckin' expert?" I retorted, and then improvised a song to impress the brunette Croatian girl whom I was hitting on despite her being on a date, with a guy, who was sitting right there. My song expounded upon how much greater Macedonia, my homeland, is compared to Croatia. I don't quite recall the lyrics, though I do remember saying something like:

"In Macedonia we roast our lamb in hot lard,
In Croatia you find Drazen Petrovic in your yard"

...or something similarly uncouth. Oh, I was making a point here.

2. Americans love to see people more pathetic than them.

I am not saying Americans are pathetic; rather, I think we happen to be freakin' awesome. However, I think that the American television-viewing public perceives themselves to be pathetic. Thus, being exposed to even bigger losers than we think ourselves to be is, by reference, a self-esteem boost. It's my assumption that people use programs in which other humans are degraded as a kind of visual Prozac, and perhaps a bit of coke or speed too. (Americans love drugs, remember? We invented all the cool ones.)

Seriously, it blows my mind why people would rot their brains with such tripe when they could simply go to their local club on karaoke night and see people equally-as-talented and equally-as-rotten go at it, and with a smoky room (except in Ohio) to boot! After all, no matter whether it's the opening week or the final round of Idol, you're never going to see anything as entertaining as a dude channeling Joe Cocker.

Yeeeeeeah, okay, that was pretty unwatchable. But, hey, it encapsulates of what my last night consisted.

Real story or Onion article? YOU DECIDE.


Gore's 'Truth' restricted at schools

FEDERAL WAY - The school board in this suburb south of Seattle has restricted showings of Al Gore's movie on global warming, including requiring that it be balanced with an adequate opposing viewpoint.

...it's a science movie. Didn't you people watch it?

The board also required Superintendent Tom Murphy to approve when the former vice president's film, "An Inconvenient Truth," can be presented.

You know, because he doesn't have anything better to be doing.

The decision was sparked by complaints from parents who said their child was taking the film as fact after viewing it at school.

...it's a science movie. It's not just fact, it's "Truth."

"Condoms don't belong in school, and neither does Al Gore. He's not a schoolteacher," said Frosty Hardison, a parent of seven who doesn't want the film shown at all.

Chill out, Frosty. I can see why you'd be in denial about global warming (can this possibly be a real name? This is definitely an Onion article) but what do condoms have to do with a movie about climate change? And is all you want shown in schools people who are actual teachers? That really limits the multimedia opportunities.

Also, seven kids? Maybe condoms belonged in your school.

"The information that's being presented is a very cockeyed view of what the truth is," Hardison told the Seattle Post-Intelligencer. "The Bible says that in the end times everything will burn up, but that perspective isn't in the DVD."

*head asplode*

"We have to ensure that our schools are not being used to politically indoctrinate anyone," said board member Dave Larson, who with Barney and board member Charlie Hoff voted Tuesday for the requirements. None has seen the movie.

I'm glad they're fiating policy with an informed opinion.

"I am shocked that a school district would come to this decision," the movie's co-producer, Laurie David, said in a prepared statement. "There is no opposing view to science, which is fact, and the facts are clear that global warming is here, now."


But Larson offered two opposing articles, including one by author John Stossel that said many scientists discredit global warming predictions. He also cited NASA and NOAA Web sites referring to debate and disagreement over climate change.

Ahhhhhahaha John Stossel -- this article went over the edge of cliche with this one. It must be fake.

The film also has been denied a showing at Tacoma's Remann Hall, a high school for juvenile offenders, where Principal Rue Palmer denied a teacher's request.


ESPN makes me want to shoot myself

Today is the 20th anniversary of the day I cried harder than any day in my life to that point, and, save for the day 19 years ago yesterday, the hardest I cried in my life.

And ESPN is making me relive it, right now, on SportsCenter.

I am, of course, talking about The Drive. I need to go to bed, because this on tv ... it's ruining what was a fantastic evening with a young woman of whom I've really very fond. (I'll write about it later. It was a four-page night, and it's 5:37am.)

Elway. I still want to punch him in the face.

This Old House (sucks now)


When I was 21, I bought a house. It was an old house, and a small house, but it had lots of room and I spent the next three years making it a nice house. I tore out the carpet and restored the hardwood. I painted everything inside and out. When I moved to Florida, it looked something like this.

That thing to the left is the apple tree in my front yard. You can also see my arbor vitae along the alley side, and the bows above the steps and each window.

Two years to the day I sold the house, I happened to find myself in Zanesville, and I decided to drop by and see how my house was doing.

It broke my heart. I don't know what troubles me more: that they tore out my apple tree? The hedge? The bushes along the porch? That they tore out my front door and hastily replaced it with a steel one? That the bows are gone? That there's a nasty "BEWARE OF GUARD DOGS" sign stuck to the front of the house?

I think the fact the hedge has been replaced by chickenwire hurt me the most.

Here's a view from the back. I had about five trees of various species in the backyard, as well as a hedge that continued all the way from the edge of the house to the property line (from where this picture is taken). Note that all vegetation on the entire property has been torn out. Note yet another "BEWARE OF GUARD DOG" sign. Note the door (one with beautiful plane glass, the original door) in back has been replaced with yet another grey steel door. Note the enormous doghouse made of scrapwood and the crap on the back porch.

*sigh* What makes someone think they need steel doors and guard dogs at a house that looks like a complete piece of sh*t? I almost went knocking on the door to confront the people I sold my house to about their horrible treatment of it, but I was afraid of having a guard dog or two rip off my manhood.

People suck.


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    This page is an archive of entries from January 2007 listed from newest to oldest.

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