Blood on the dance floor/A real Panic!!! at the disco/rap music sucks

GAINESVILLE, Fla. - The shooting of five people at a Gainesville nightclub during a rap concert has sparked police concern over security at the venue, especially since three more sold-out shows are scheduled there in the coming weeks.

As a libertarian, I don't consider it the police's job to be handling security for a private business. Why should my tax dollars, as a Floridian, be spent to protect people who go into a rap concert knowing they have a significantly high chance of being shot in the face? The government doesn't buy parachutes for skydivers or helmets for motorcyclists.

"The bottom line, their security was worthless," Gainesville police spokesman Sgt. Keith Kameg said Monday. "That won't happen again."

So there's been significant changes in their security in 24 hours? Do explain, Sgt. Kameg.

Early Sunday, three members of rapper Plies' entourage allegedly opened fire inside the 238 West club after the performer's microphone was cut out so another rapper named Lil Boosie could perform, police said. Plies, whose real name is Algernod Lanier Washington, became enraged and a fight that started with shouting and fisticuffs ended when at least six bullets were fired, police said.

Well no wonder he was angry. Do you think maybe his mom had recently read the 1966 Daniel Keyes novel Flowers For Algernon and accidentally misspelled the name on the birth certificate (you know, like people named "Micheal" not on purpose but because their parents didn't know how to spell it)? If my mom named me after a book about a retarded dude, and then didn't even spell my name right, I'd be an angry young man, too.

I googled the name, to see if maybe it really was a common name in Florida, and every hit pertained to Plies -- including the birth announcement of his three-year-old named Nijier Lanier Washington. Nijier. There's a name you don't want to have spelled wrong. Ask this guy:

"This shooting was over a rapper with a huge ego acting like a 3-year-old," Kameg said.

Kameg did not delineate the difference between the two.

After the shooting, six officers, including one on horseback, were able to surround the men's car and block them from escaping.

You know you're having a bad night when your escape car gets run down by a HORSE.

Washington, who was charged with illegal possession of concealed weapons after police found five loaded guns and additional rounds of armor-piercing ammunition in the car he was riding in, remained held Monday on $50,000 bond at Alachua County Jail.

Armor-piercing ammunition? Guess they figured their audience would be wise to their plans and come with Kevlar.

Bond for Keon D. McRae, 21, of Cape Coral, was set at $200,000 on Monday; he faces the same charges as Washington.

Then why's his bond different?

Two other men, including the rapper's brother, Ronell Lawrence Lavatte, 31, of Cape Coral and Tory Denard Carnegie, 21, of Fort Myers, were each charged with five counts of attempted murder. Lavatte was being held without bond, and Carnegie was held on $500,000 bond, jail officials said Monday.

The family that shoots up audiences together goes to Florida state prison together.

"It is an absolute miracle no one was killed," Kameg said.

Indeed it is. Care to explain how this isn't going to happen again? You totally promised me earlier.

The club's promoter, Jonathan Corey Smith, known as Jock Smooth, did not return a telephone call Monday left on his answering machine.

Jock...Smooth? Sounds like what you find after eating some of those Olestra chips... rectal infidelity.

Smith told The Gainesville Sun that he always has his security guards pat down guests and check purses before admitting them. But he said he does not closely monitor performers and their entourages.

How could he know? There's nothing in rap lyrics that would ever lead you to think they might carry a gun with them. I'm letting Jock off the hook on this one.

"I just never thought we'd have to really, really scrutinize an artist. From now on, we're going to have to start checking their crates, maybe we'll even get metal detectors," Smith said.

That would be a start.

He said he plans to boycott Plies and his music altogether.

Oh, come on, aren't you being harsh?

Plies is featured in this month's edition of XXL, which ran a full-page photo of him and called him "Florida rap's next biggest thing." He entered the music world with his single "Tell Dem Crackers Dat" in 2003 and more recently accompanied the musician Trina in her song "So Fresh."

...with lyrics like It's a helluva feelin to know that you 100% a real nigga/I been out here gettin' money, since I was a lil nigga/I'm loved by these hoes, respected by these killers/it took years of thuggin' to get to this point nigga. Seriously, has anyone seen Spike Lee's Bamboozled? Goddammit, I hate when life is more absurd than art's attempts to satirize it.

Police will have extra officers at the club in the future, Kameg said.

Not if my ballot hand has anything to do with it.

"If we have to make it a police state, we have more than enough officers," he said.

OH SNAP! That's not a scary comment at all. At all!

If this is the case, either a) we're ALREADY in a police state or b) we have wayyyyyyyy too many cops.