The Definitive Super Bowl Commercials Review, part one

Of course, if they knew anything about physics, they'd realize Newton's Second Law dictates they will never reach the bottles of beer, unless they can manage to morph their bodies into a shape with a lower coefficient of drag than a glass cylinder of beer. Which is unlikely.

Also, BUD LIGHT?

Also, in the year of cleaner, more family friendly ads, note that a film rated R for "Demonic Images" was shown in the Super Bowl's very first commercial break.

A clever idea, but also a very grounding one: there's no question of how lame P.Diddy is if he's appearing in Diet Pepsi spots. Actually, I take that back. It's not clever.

This spot was only a 15-second one, and nothing really happened, except for LeBron blowing a giant bubble. BORRR-ING!

...And then you have this. I don't know if this director just finished reading some Marquis de Sade or what, but I found the blindfolded kid particularly disturbing. Clearly this kid enjoys wearing the blindfold often, such as when he dresses himself.

This year, we got a display of someone who needs a new hip.

Vin Diesel, the human action figure (someone check his heels for peg-holes) makes another movie no one cares about or will watch.

"Family Friendly" scorekeepers, mark this one down in the "painfully inappropriate" category.

Someone on board is proud of their Volvo. After all, it's the first V-8 with Volvo safety. Whatever that means.

Cindy Crawford? Wow! You look a lot older since I last saw you!

Suddenly, and entirely unexpectedly, her strap pops off. What an unfortunate mishap.

Of special note is the clever "G-SPIN" parody of C-SPAN. Wait, no it isn't.

Supreme Court Chief Justice William H.  Rehnquist makes a cameo appearance as a man, apparently, on his deathbed, who arose for one last glimpse at an enormous rack.

Fox network Standards & Practices feels the same way, buddy.

Slut.

Unfortunately, the tv trailer for the new Longest Yard was marred by the appearance of Rob Schneider, whom, as far as we can tell, snuck onto the movie lot and extended his already lifeless career one more death rattle.

Somebody slap a DNR bracelet on that guy.

Obvisously, they were stoned out of their gourd, because any sober person knows nobody uses Yahoo! Auctions anymore.

Anyway, some Japanese people on their Blackberries start bidding on the item, and our crackhead couple go home happy.

Incidentally, this spot is a takeoff on the "giant Cheetoh" debacle that arose several months ago due mainly to Fark and Something Awful. Thus, we're all to blame for this awful, awful commercial.

This spot opens with a woman screaming for help, and a cadre of superheroes coming to her rescue -- including the badass of all badasses, CAPTAIN AMERICA.

Unfortunately, it seems their assistance is unnecessary, because she uses a Visa Check Card. This is all clearly explained to us by an individual in an ill-fitting Spiderman suit who does his best Tobey Maguire impression, but ends up sounding like Alex P. Keaton. To add further insult to injury, Underdog, a legitimate NON-SUPERHERO, makes a cameo appearage at the spot tag.

Normally, the rule would be: if it has Captain America, it can't suck. The rule now has an exception. *sob*

In "Bob's Market," we see this schmo talking to a friend on a handsfree kit, telling his friend that he's getting robbed on a deck deal. Bob takes this the wrong way, and pepper sprays the dude. Then, a crazed woman appears hoisting a cattle prod. Apparently, there is a steer ranch in the backyard that wasn't visible in the establishing shot. Sadistically, she continues to strike our protagonist, sending 50,000 volt shocks through his body and his mobile (time to invest in a new battery). Thumbs up for creativity and vigilanteeism. Charles Bronson smiled today. Then sneered.

Alas, Baby Bob is back, and once again causing us all gastrointestinal disorders. Today, he's pimping Quizno's subs. What once was disturbing is now nauseating.

The juxtaposition of Baby Bob, a Quizno's turkey sub, and the attractive swimsuit-clad woman is like doing a series of shots consisting of Sauza, then Jagermeister, then Mobil 1 synthetic motor oil.

Also, shouldn't Baby Bob be, like, a 5th grader by now or something?

In this case, the unforseen obstacle would be a horrible, horrible script.

Incidentally, if you *do* go see this movie, feel free to take a piss during this scene, as the tv trailer pretty much showed you the entire thing. You won't be missing much.

In the 1992 film “White Men Can’t Jump,” Woody Harrelson’s character Billy Hoyle reveals his true oblivion to African-american culture by mistakently referring to Gladys Knight’s band as the “Pimps.”

the closeup. Ugh. Did you know it's FOUR- WHEEL DRIVE? (We're informed of this.) I never would have guessed an SUV be four-wheel drive. How convenient.

Honda Ridgeline, for when all the good names are taken.

Furthermore, I have to lament here, at the end of the first quarter, on what is either ruination of our language by our president or an attempt by Fox to play the language apologist. Verbatim, from the promo, quote of Secretary Heller:

"We could have six NUKULAR disasters on our hands."

Seriously, this is getting out of hand.