February 2005 Archives

As promised

Actually just the verses are "new," I came up with the chorus a long time ago.

The Coffee In Your Cup (3meg mp3, 3:41, emo)

Now on a faster server!

Artifact #4

And a new song coming as soon as Jenn goes to work.

Artifact #3

Today's song is titled "Home." I think all the beating on my guitar is putting it out of tune. Oh well.

http://www.entertainmentweakly.com/music/home.mp3 (4:03, 2megs, cheesy poker references)

Here are the lyrics, I think they are poorly served by my musical abilities.

Bartender, give me just one more
Stonemason's lying on the floor
I'd pick him up but I was told not to do heavy lifting.
Sunglasses perched upon your head
Hair like you just got out of bed
Eyes wide as dinner plates and I'll be damned there's someone cookin'
I'm chuckin' snowballs at the sun
You say it's not all that much fun
Giv eyou the finger and you chase me down into the cellar
Press you up against the wall
You smell rustic just like fall
I take your breath away but I'm so nice I let you have it back

'Cause everybody wants a place they can call their home
A place that makes 'em feel just right
So, c'mon, tell me, baby
Where you sleepin' tonight?

Bartender, can I get a light
I'm throwing down big slick tonight
I got the Hammer but the next hand I'll be floating bullets
You're curlign rocks along my pond
You're throwing bricks and I'm not fond
You know you're safe with me but then again it's barely raining
Give me a sign of what you mean
Can't understand what's in between
The sign and signified I'm semiotic George Steinbrenner
The cafe walls are filled with names
Of people who called and complained
She broke teir hearts but they just didn't learn their lesson on the side

I'm staring rainbows in the eye
You're floating up into the sky
I'd wave goodbye
But I know that you're not really leavin'

The Slaughter Rule

There's an excellent film called The Slaughter Rule. In little league we called it the Mercy Rule. The game ends early if it's obvious that one team has such an advantage that the other team will never come back to achieve victory.

I called the Mercy Rule on the Woke You Up girl tonight. While I've been living the Jimmy V "Don't give up; don't ever give up" lifestyle, it just became obvious that she was a war that I'd never win, because I was so far behind.

Soooooooo the Mercy Rule went into effect. And I tossed a ten-spot on the bar and walked out. And I listened to http://www.entertainmentweakly.com/wokeyouup.mp3 the whole way home and sang along.

You'll have that in the big city.
Current Mood: cynical

With apologies to Tom Waits

It seems I rip someone new off every day. Fitting that with a hangover I do Tom Waits, though. Also, Day #2 of the artifact project.

http://www.entertainmentweakly.com/fuckinbirds.mp3 (2:17, 2 megs or so, "fuck")

Here is your artifact for the day.

Song 2

I'm getting a new computer. Keeping things in sync is too hard with the one I'm using to make these. I gave up trying on this one.http://www.entertainmentweakly.com/whineM.mp3 (2:00, 750k, synthesizers)I don't know why the song is named "whine." So, do not ask. I guess because I'd rather be outside today?


I'm going to try and scan an artifact in every day. Today is my response to what people commonly ask me: "What, exactly, are you writing in those little notebooks all the time?"

This would be what I wrote Wednesday night, watching someone sing karaoke.

Radio Free Europe

It's been a wild two weeks, kids. I regret that most of it is of such a salacious and prurient nature that it cannot be discussed here in a livejournal posting. If you really want to know, email me.

Monday I spent almost the entire day trying to acquire the Windows software for my phone. Since the January 14, 2004 hard drive crash that wiped out my notebook, I've not been able to back up the numbers and SMSes in my telephone (I used Windows 2003 on the new HD). I installed a Windows 98 setup Monday for audio production purposes, and decided to finally back up my phone -- after more than a year. My phone book has exploded to more than 170 numbers, all of which, are, oddly, important.

Unfortunately, I long threw out the CD-ROM that came with the phone. And Samsung removed the software from their website. Was I screwed? Probably. But my infinitely powarful google skillz led me to a german site where the file could actually be found. And now my numbers are safely stored away on both a CD-R and on the hard drive.

Monday night I had off, so I made dinner and watched 24 and had myself a grand old time.

Tuesday was a typical Tuesday: wake up at 8, make coffee, read three chapters and four journal articles, write a story (in this case, rewrite four stories), and get out the door by 1:00, sit in class for seven hours, then rush off to the Hangout. Dave and Ellen and I notched another top-ten performance that has pretty much become so commonplace as to be barely worth mentioning.

Wednesday, oh, wednesday. I was supposed to have my car at Eurotech at nine. That wasn't happening. Eurotech is over by the airport, actually in between the airport, Dale Mabry, and Hillsborough. I got it there at like 10:30 and the guy says, I dunno if we'll be able to get it done today. Well, fuck. I say, well, do what you can, and go off walking, my black leather attache bag over my shoulder.

I'd planned to walk over to International Plaza, having never been there and having wanted to go since I moved here. I was dressed up enough for it, knowing I probably wouldn't have the time to go home after picking up my car, so I was in a white oxford, plaid tie, navy sweater vest. Khakis, and the beat-up brown oxfords.

It's about a 3 1/2 mile walk from the shop to the mall. Along the way, I stopped to watch the Yankees practice for a while. It was as interesting as watching major league baseball players practice can be. After a while, I trudged to the mall. It was probably noon or 12:30 by the time I got there. There's this amazing outdoor part of the plaza that, for the first time in a long time, really felt like something DIFFERENT. Like Florida. Bay Street at IntlPlz has all these bar/restaurants and sushi places and coffee and a lot of trees and plants and gardens. It's a damn nifty place. I had a steak at Bar Louie and it was so-so. The cole slaw was good. I drank a few beers and read some magazines, then had coffee for a few hours.

I wandered around the mall, shopping for nothing in particular, but buying a bunch of crap at Bath & Body Works. Nail stuff, eye stuff, manly stuff. Seriously. I swear. Manly. I tried on a few suits even though I'm not shopping for them at all, and can't afford a new suit. Eventually, I had the concierge call me a cab (it's a fancy mall, man, they have concierges) and rode the cab to the airport. Around the time I was ready to rent a car, Eurotech called me and informed me my car was finished. So, I hailed another cab and headed back to the garage, picked up my car, and drove to Ybor City.

Since I got there about 5:45, I was able to take one of the better parking spots. I walked down to Centro Ybor and ate a dinner of beer and chicken wings at (I can't remember the name of the place; I call it R.P. McMurphy's but I think it's called M.J. Barleycorn's or something)... in any case, I drank my beers then walked to class, administered a midterm, then drove up to the Hangout. I gave Sarah a call but she was asleep, and I woke her up. Oops.

Around 10:30 or so I headed into the karaoke room, but there was no large-chested woman to be found like last week. I sang Moondance and Take Me Home, Country Roads and talked to Kimmie and Becky. I felt good, but it really was a pretty straightforward evening.

I guess the best part of the day was walking around the fancy mall and being treated like a fancy person. I'm not, but it's nice to be treated that way.

Woke you up

I called a girl I like last night and woke her up. I felt bad, and this song just now came into my head.

So I recorded it. Of course, I'll never let *her* listen to it.http://www.entertainmentweakly.com/music/wokeyouup.mp3 (71 seconds, 400k)


The harsh noise of the bedstand alarm clock brings me back to semi-consciousness. I'm in a hotel room - a lavish hotel room, though hotels don't much impress me these days. I've had a job for four years that put me in hotels from Jacksonville to Boise. But this is one of the nicer ones.
It's 7:30 a.m. on the morning after my cousin Andy's extravaganza of a wedding. I'm at the Hilton Netherland Plaza in downtown Cincinnati, and - God - fucking - headache - I'm being hassled by my brother to get my ass up and into the shower. We're having brunch at Aunt Becky and Uncle Mike's house over in Anderson at 8:30, so I need to get moving.
I'm used to the routine, so I handle my morning business quickly.
Why, why, why did I not drink water and take aspirin last night?

For Tina

This is the quotation you were seeking. It is via  who is one punk kid.

"I took a Civics class. I thought it was going to be about modifyingJapanese compact cars, but they kept talkin' about America an' SHIT!"


Where I've been

I apologize for updating this so infrequently. It's been a busy couple weeks, what with yesterday's NCA deadline, projects, papers, performances, and social obligations.

Speaking of NCA, for the zero of you interested, here's links to html-ized versions of two papers i submitted yesterday. They're long gone, so I can't really make any changes, though I'll think about submitting them to some journals eventually.

Sex & Skeletons: A Rhetorical Criticism of Agitation Methods as Used by the American Life League

Metaphors and Miracles: Image Restoration and New York City After 9/11

I think Microsoft Word does an okay job of making them html, though the formatting gets a bit screwed up.

Last night I totally abandoned my friends to talk to some women I hadn't met before. That was kind of shitty of me. So, I feel bad about that. The women were very nice though and I now have two new friends. After they left (the lot of them; I still had half a drink left), I went next door to say goodbye to my friend Kim. While talking to her, this stunning brunette with curly hair, big eyes, and, well, suffice to say she was gorgeous, comes striding up to me and asking if I'd dance with her. I glanced over at her companion, a towering hulk of a fellow who resembled in every way Mr. Incredible. I'm not joking, this guy's neck was as thick as my ever-shrinking spare tire. "My brother," she explained. "He's a bodybuilder." No fucking shit. I had him pegged for a Java programmer.

I never actually ended up dancing with her, because the only danceable song the rest of the night was "New York State of Mind" and I was singing.

I haven't sung at LA Hangout karaoke in a few weeks bc the wait is so long, but, last night was, well, different I guess. And New York State of Mind really challenges the vocal folds of a bass-baritone like me, but the Captain & Diets I'd been drinking loosened things up and I really belted out something I didn't know I had.

I guess it was poetic, in a way, too; I've been thinking about New York a lot lately. I'm sad that I can't be there to see The Gates at Central Park or smell the smells and be all... excited all the time. And the breeze and the smoke from manhole covers and taxicabs. And being around people like Corporate Mofo all the time. Not that I don't adore my friends here, but ... I just crave sensory overload sometimes.

The woman left with my number. She left with the guy who brought her, her brother. She left reluctantly.

People who rock

userinfosyrinx2001 rocks my world and is one cool chick. That is all.

Zero visibility

I fidget in the passenger seat as the white SUV exits the freeway and pulls onto the access road that leads to my house. I glance at the large, bearded man behind the wheel, then to the stereo, which plays country music neither he nor I are fond of. Changing the station might lead to the two of us talking, though, so it's left alone. I'm getting a ride home because four straight days of snow combined with the city's reluctance to plow my street has rendered my Jetta immobile.

He pilots the mammoth vehicle to the top of the hill, where my small bungalow lies quietly belching out steam from an ancient furnace. I breathe a sigh of relief at seeing my street finally cleared - and realize it's the first positive thought I've had all day. See, the man driving the SUV is my boss. And I've just been fired.

Shitty first draft

Oh Danny Boy, the pipes, the pipes are calling
From glen to glen and down the mountain side
The summer's gone, and all the roses falling
It's you, it's you must go and I must bide

The entire second half, and concluding portion, of my report.


15th commercial break - 11:04 left, 3rd quarter
57. Olympus
Basically the same as the previous Olympus spot, but with less to make fun of.
58. Tabasco
Ahh, the Trammps. Disco Inferno was one of my favourite songs as a kid, and here it's matched up with a lovely gal in a Tabasco bikini. Now, you'd think she'd be able to afford something that doesn't look like it came free in every 12th bottle, but whatever.

She puts two dashes of the pepper sauces in...whatever that is, and takes a bite. Immediately, she gets burned UNDERNEATH the bikini. Clever trick, but everyone knows you need to dump like half a bottle into whatever you're eating to have it make a difference.

59. Robots
Wow, another horrible movie featuring Robin Williams. When will he ever learn?
60. NFL
A single moment. A moment of brilliance. A moment that has been building forever.

Cheadle is, of course, referring to the moment when the NFL hired him as spokesman.

61. Fox 24 promo
16th commercial break - 10:59 left, 3rd quarter
62. Anheuser-Busch "Thank the troops"
This spot was one of the more disturbing of the evening for me.

Woman in airport. People talking. Moving. No talking. Bored people, communicating with each other. That never happens in an airport.

Soon we see the crowd of people applauding a shipment of soldiers whom have apparently arrived from...somewhere. Workers neglect their duties to provide the men and women their just due. But something strange is afoot. What?

A closer look reveals that none of these individuals have names on their jackets. In fact, no armed forces insignias appear anywhere on their clothing or equipment. Are these real U.S. Military?


Even worse, they could be freaking terrorists. It would be a damn good idea, walk through an airport to standing ovations...

Look at that one on the left. She has that look in her eye. I can see it!

When you drink Bud Light, you aid the terrorists. Or something like that.

63. Napster - Sign
This spot opens with an aerial view of Alltel Stadium, citing the Super Bowl attendance as 73,122. Actual attendance was 78,125 so next year, they can work on getting that little fact straight.

Meanwhile, an extremely frightening mascot is hanging around the stadium. I hope y'all had your kids in bed by now because the Napster kitty, while cute in its Napster 1.0 rendition, is positively scary now that it's gone corporate. And I feel bad for the poor saps sitting behind him. I'm sure that sign provides quite the obstructed view.

These guys painted "NAPSTER" on their chests only because they didn't have enough friends for "BITTORRENT"

64. NFL - Disclaimer
17th commercial break - 8:49 left, 3rd quarter
65. Staples - Easy
I don't even think this was a Super Bowl ad, because I've seen it before.
66. Ameriquest - Cat
Young gentleman hurriedly attempts to prepare dinner for a date he has coming over. I noticed he's risking severe food poisoning with his lack of proper sanitation principles.

Anyway, he kills his cat and tries to serve it to his date, but she catches him in the act. The moral of the story: most meats can be prepared and chilled overnight before cooking.

67. Careerbuilder.com
Another lame careerbuilder.com chimpanzee spot. This one takes the sophisticated route by featuring a whoopie cushion.
18th commercial break - 7:52 left, 3rd quarter
68. War of the Worlds
Tom Cruise is a Yankees fan. I pretty much stopped paying attention at this point. However, my attention was drawn to this significant fact:
From my experience, something like 90% of people who suffer disasters while in the car are driving Dodge Caravans. So, take it from me, and stick to the Mercury Villager or something else that doesn't suck.
69. Cialis

Are you kidding me? Spot #69 is for Cialis? I *know* they plan this stuff out this way.

Anyway, the entire point of a Cialis ad is waiting for the "four hour erection" blast. I think even the folks in charge know this, because the Cialis slogan is "Are you ready?"

Also, I don't need to see old people making out. Thanks.

19th commercial break - 3:35 left, 3rd quarter
70. Honda Ridgeline
I'm pretty sure wearing a Honda belt buckle in Texas is license to get your ass kicked.
71. Verizon V-Cast
In a lot of ways, this spot is a fantasy come true for me. Kid Rock and Christina Aguilera are shrunken down to a non-media-worthy size. I didn't exactly understand what this ad was promoting, because I was lost in my thoughts of a Kid Rock and Chistina Aguilera-less world.

Think about that for a while. It's like happy little trees. Shaq gets shrunk too, ... you know, this ad sucked. It just did. It was stupid and annoying. I don't need to make up cheesy jokes to get that point across.

72. The Shield promo
Glenn Close is now on the cast of a cable (and not even basic cable, like, extended basic cable) dramatic series? Huh?
20th commercial break - end of 3rd quarter
73-75. Lame local spots
21st commercial break - 13:44 left, 4th quarter
76. Toyota Prius

At first, I thought these cars all had those spinner wheels that are all so popular and retarded. Then I realized that everyone and everything in these shots were just spinning their wheels.

As were the people who brainstormed this debacle. (no, no, no).

I did find it interesting that a dog and his walker are doing the Moonwalk. It reminded me of Super Bowl XXVII when Michael Jackson was the halftime entertainment.

Remember that? When Michael Jackson entertained people with his music and not his antics?

Okay, me either.

77. House promo
78. Super Bowl MVP voting promo
22nd commercial break - 12:29 left, 4th quarter
79. Budweiser Select
There's a new beer on the block. Unfortunately, it has its daddy's name. Budweiser Select promises to be the worst-tasting beer since Coors Extra Gold. With minimal calories and extra-low carbs, it's a dream come true for those who've had their taste buds surgically removed.

What's up with the "no aftertaste" thing, anyway? Compared to what? Rubbing alcohol?

80. Mastercard - Mascots

HATE"For everything else there's Mastercard" spots. I think the first one was okay. The rest are just flogging a horse that was dead, reincarnated as Jack Paar, and then died again.

Tonight we're treated to a dinner featuring food mascots chosen, it appears, randomly from a hat. As far as I can tell, there's nothing connecting any of them. And what's up with them keeping the Jolly Green Giant outside? Bitches always keeping the Green man down.

Uh... is that tuna casserole, Charlie? Doing the cannibalsm thing again, I see!

Finally, we're given insight into the class system at Mastercard, as the help clearly does not get to eat until he's finished his cleaning duties.

81. American Idol promo
23rd commercial break - 9:42 left, 4th quarter
82. Emerald Nuts
Cute little girl asks her daddy for his nuts.

Daddy says no.

Santa Claus shows up and threatens daddy.

Easter Bunny complains.

Daddy gives up his nuts to his little girl.

Cute ad. I don't eat nuts.

83. Bud Light
Once again, it's Cedric the Marginally Humorous. Tonight, he's the DD. Unfortunately, uberdense white dude across the bar can't understand him through all the noise.
Thus, he resorts to gesturing to try and indicate that he's the DD. It's not working.
Finally, he pulls out his keys to show he's the DD -- and everyone else pulls out their keys. Wait a minute. If everyone else has their car keys, exactly whom is he DD'ing for?

Then again, the tag is "everyone's doing it," which I guess means it was a slow night for the bartenders.

84. Careerbuilder.com
Yet another lame chimp spot.
24th commercial break - 8:40 left, 4th quarter
85-87 NFL/Fox promos
25th commercial break - 2:00 left, 4th quarter
88. Sahara
If you can explain at all what this movie is about, please email me, because this tv trailer was more convoluted than... well, it didn't make any sense. You know it, I know it, and the American people know it.
89. Diet Pepsi - P.Diddy rerun
90. Simpsons promo

There you go. All 90 spots that ran during the Super Bowl. Hope you had fun, frankly, for me it was a pain in the ass.


The Definitive Super Bowl Commercials Review, part two

Below the cut :-) Part three coming soon.

6th commercial break - 9:55 left, 2nd quarter
25. Budweiser
A giraffe. An emu. Some sheep. An elephant, a llama, and about thirty other animals. Put them together, and you get one crappy spot.

This ad had some intertextuality -- you wouldn't get it if you didn't remember last year's spot where the donkey earns his turn with the Clydesdales. Here, the other animals come for their turn. Of course, most of them could just swallow the donkey in one bite, but nobody mentions THAT.

26. Lay's Potato Chips
The Sandlot is one of my favourite kids' movies. This spot doesn't even attempt to be creative in ripping it off.

So the kid hits the ball over the fence of the disagreeable neighbour. A debate ensues about how to retrieve it. The kids decide to throw a bag of Lay's potato chips ("Everyone loves Lay's." the little scamp explains, clearly showing he can lie like the best of them) over the fence, an attempt I liken to using a flagpole to go bass fishing. It's a good thing I wasn't there, or else I'd have told these kids they were goddamn idiots.

Also, I am curious to know how the kid got such a good grip on that bag with the oil-soaked fingers that result from eating Lay's potato chips.

Anyway, the kids get back their ball, their dog, a '72 Chevy Nova, and M.C. Hammer.

Clearly, The Hammer's bankruptcy filing has prevented him from purchasing any clothing since 1990. He informs the kids that "they cannot touch this." They touch it like Michael Jackson, and another incomprehensible spot ends. And without any James Earl Jones!

You're killin' me, Smalls.

27. Subway
"Looks like we got a couple of lovebirds."

I don't remember if that was the first line of Twin Peaks: Fire Walk With Me but it would have been an excellent one. Pestering coppers pull up on a car at Makeout Point with steamed over windows, and the muffled sounds of... Firehouse? (Friends & family, please forget that I knew that.)

So the pigs start they' hasslin' and scrufflin' and it turns out they're just bothering two stoners who are gobbling up some new Subway grilled sandwiches. Lucky for them, because after eating Subway, they're going to require immediate medical attention anyway, so it's best to keep law enforcement nearby.

Also, why are two stoners listening to Firehouse? Something tells me these guys are curious about more than just sandwiches.

7th commercial break - 9:49 left, 2nd quarter
28. Pepsi
Seriously, I hated this spot so badly that it hurts my body to write about it. But I must.

This poor kid is on a date but his Pepsi bottle keeps revealing the fact he dumped some Captain Morgan in there before the date. I think the girl's dad can tell, but he remembers being young once.

Von Bondies are one of my favourite new bands. Here, their good name is thoroughly dirtied by ... you know, I don't even know what the hell this was. The kid spills a bottle of Pepsi and the CD starts skipping. I thought there might be an Ashlee Simpson reference somewhere, but then I remembered that something like that would be in a GOOD spot, not this one.

Moral of the story: a song might be the ONLY good thing you find inside a bottle of Pepsi.

29. Be Cool
Ohh, boy. So much to cover here. The bell will ring every time a racial stereotype appears.

So you have Vince Vaughn playing a guy who, we're told, "thinks he's black." We see him dance in a style that reminds us all that he definitely is not. (ding!)

Next, we meet the "thug gangstas" who are "rollin' on dubs" and "packin' heat" as they walk the streets in athletic jerseys (ding! ding!)

Cedric the Bemuser cracks a line that's about as funny as asking a quadruplegic to play pattycake.

...which brings us to John Travolta, who portrays a member of a secret organization that occasionally has people killed to keep them quiet. I'm not talking about Scientologists, I'm talking about the mafia. (ding!) So as a real GANGSTER he takes on the GANGSTAZ with (alluded-to but questionably) hilarious results.

The tv trailer ends with a parody of Travolta and Uma Thurman's dance scene in Pulp Fiction, but as parody is usually funny, I don't really know what to call it.

I love Vince Vaughn movies, but I'm about as excited to see this one as I am to start annual prostate exams. 

30. Degree Antiperspirant
This spot opens with the action figure "Mama's Boy" which is supposed to make you laugh, giggle, or snicker. Instead, it makes you get up to take a piss and get a beer.

Yup, there's Mama's Boy at the supermarket, magnet action, blah blah blah. I am astounded that Jerome Bettis had anything to do with this campaign, but, then, you know what they say about Notre Dame guys.

For those who want to take chances, try new Degree For Men. It won't let you down. Unlike this spot.

8th commercial break - 7:13 left, 2nd quarter
31. Pepsi
Another lame "pop the top" spot. This one features Gwen Stefani's new Fiddler on the Roof ripoff, "If I Was A Rich Girl." 
If I opened a Pepsi bottle and heard Gwen Stefani emanating from it, I would be forced to assume 1986 Tylenol-style contamination.

Oh, and if I was a rich man, I'd make sure we never heard from Gwen Stefani again.

32. Cadillac
Someone needs to inform Cadillac's ad agency that in car spots, automobiles generally look more attractive when they're moving.

25 seconds later, they finally do, though I recommend they use a Steadicam next time they do cockpit filming. I guess they're alluding to Back to the Future here with the cars disappearing and the clattering of a license plate? That's supposed to be proof a car goes fast? Fuck that, my Jetta hits 88 on a daily basis out on I-275.

33. McCartney halftime promo
9th commercial break - 4:25 left, 2nd quarter
34. Careerbuilder.com
Chimps. Everywhere. Chimps are supposed to be funny, right? Somehow these jokers collected the most stoic collection of chimpanzees in captivity.

...a good idea executed very poorly. Also, if this guy would like to find a new job, he'd be better off looking on a real job site. Careerbuilder.com is the J.C. Penney soccer shorts of the job site world.

35. Taco Bell

You can see Taco Bell ads coming from further away than Star Jones riding a giraffe while wearing a Nudie suit and a Statue of Liberty hat. Snooty guy is showing laid back guy his baseball card collection, which, for whatever reason, is entirely out of its plastic protectors and Trapper Keeper. So the third friend comes in with the new Taco Bell product, the Chicken enchilada fajita grande stuffed supreme burrito bellgrande. Or something like that.

He drops the bag, which he describes as “greasy,” (no beating around the bush on that one, Taco Bell!) right on the dude’s unprotected cards. Poor-investment-decision guy panics, but then relaxes once he gets a bite of that irresistible burrito. That, or he saw a recent issue of Beckett’s Baseball Cards Monthly and realized the burrito is worth more than his cards are. (I swear to God I saw a 1988 Donruss Gregg Jeffries card in his collection). Later some prominently-displayed Pepsi is spilled on a 1986 Topps Cecil Fielder rookie card and nobody bats an eye.

36. Bud Light
The scene opens in a bar, with a bright “Bud Light” sign in the window – facing TOWARD the bar. (See closeup.)

An attractive woman sits by herself at the bar, when a sleazy greaseball comes up and tries to buy her a Bud Light.

From out of nowhere, a Scottish-speaking cockatiel, cockatoo, whatever it is, shows up and beats him down. The pugilistic bird is the second-most improbable aspect of this spot (I find a chivalrous bird easier to believe than a hot woman sitting by herself at a corner bar).

Of course, the guy would have been in like Flynn if he’d offered to buy her a real beer. I hate to imagine what talking animal would have assaulted him had he suggested an Icehouse.

37. American Idol promo
Now that all the bad people are kicked off, who cares?
10th commercial break - 2:00 left, 2nd quarter
38. Batman Begins

The Batman franchise started going downhill when they stopped using Danny Elfman’s classic music from the first film. This Batman Begins tv trailer deigns to acclimate viewers to the idea that the creepy guy from American Psycho is stepping into the shoes of the stoic Michael Keaton, the cuddly Val Kilmer, and the neighbourly George Clooney. This summer, Batman may Begin, but for most of us, it ended around 1995.

39. Silestone

The first Super Bowl I can remember watching was 1986’ Super Bowl XX. It took place at the Superdome in New Orleans and featured the flashy Chicago Bears trouncing the pathetic New England Patriots. The Bears were everyone’s favourite, due partly to a Grammy-nominated song, The Super Bowl Shuffle. (Clearly, Grammy voters missed the truly awful music video featuring dancing by Gary “Hit Man” Fencik, setting white guys’ dancing abilities back by at least 25 years).

Three stars of that team bluntly force their way into our homes at the beginning of this spot: erection spokesman and former Bears coach Mike Ditka, quarterback Jim McMahon, and rookie defensive tackle William “The Refrigerator” Perry.

Now, I have held a grudge against the Fridge since XX, on account of his getting a TD carry but the late Walter Payton being deprived one. It’s not like it was a close game, but Sweetness was left out in the cold. Shitty thing to do to a guy with liver disease.

Anyway, these three jokers each repeat the mantra, “I am Diana Pearl.” It cycles around several times until I, the viewer, shout “I AM BORED AS SHIT.” Then, seemingly, we cut to a different ad, only to find a slow pan to Dennis Rodman in a hot tub.

I cannot think of anything more terrifying than Dennis Rodman in a hot tub. Any appetite I might have had left was decimated immediately. I missed the end of this spot as I was in the bathroom retching.

By the way, 1986’ “Bernie, Bernie” is a far superior NFL-related song than the Super Bowl Shuffle.

40. Michelob Amber Bock

Oh, the “guy in his apartment trying to seduce a woman” bit. Very progressive.

First, we see the dude with the sweater wrapped around his shoulders. Either this is a “throwback” ad from Super Bowl XX or they hired a Miami University graduate for the role. Either way, he dances only marginally better than Gary Fencik and is declared “Rich, but not smooth.” Oh, so it’s another lame Amber Bock spot! Rock on!

The “Smooth, but not rich” gentleman takes his date to Circuit city, which, personally, I think would make for a pretty good date. *jots down in to-do list*
41. United Way
I feel bad for the United Way. I saw Chad Pennington, then immediately got bored. I guess they couldn't afford a real ad this year.
11th commercial break - Halftime
42. NASCAR on Fox

Immediately before this break, Fox shows Jeff Gordon in a luxury box with his hot wife. The only other celebrities shown on screen before this were former presidents. Why, exactly, would they go out of their way to show someone like Jeff Gordon? Beyond that he has a hot wife?

The first spot at the half answers that question… though it created a lot more, it was so confusing. It’s a NASCAR promo, and Jeff Gordon strikes fear into pirates’ hearts by unsheathing his sword. I don’t know if that is a phallic euphemism or not, but it would explain his hot wife.

43. Local news promo
44. Dodge Durango (local)
Thumping hip-hop music introduces us to a striking, red Durango . A deep-voiced African-American man tries his best to speak ebonics, and “pimp a Durango rollin on dubs.” Unfortunately, ‘ Durango ’ sounds much more like a product used in the commission of a hate crime than an urban-styled SUV. Our V.O. pretends we are in some amount of disbelief, bringing us back to reality: “You better believe it.”
45-47. Lame local spots
12th commercial break - Halftime break #2
48. The O.C. promo
49. House promo
They call him rude. They call him arrogant. Do they call him ugly? That would be the most apt description for “House” star Hugh Laurie. If you’re not watching House, you are a total social retard, apparently, because 40 million people *are* watching it Or so claims Fox. The keen folks over at Nielsen put the number closer to 6.4 million. *snicker*
50. NFL Network - Tomorrow

Poor Ben Roethlisberger. Not only was he unable to lead the Steelers to the Super Bowl, but he’s saddled with an inferior Miami University education and a last name that nobody can spell correctly. He sits on a nondescript beach listening to the Super Bowl, eating brie, and drinking a fine 1962 D’Laureaux. (They don’t show this part but you can just assume).

Suddenly, Joe Montana appears, trying to cheer him up, but the weight of being from Findlay , Ohio is just too much. But then the reggae band starts grooving, reminding us that "the sun will come come out tomorrow." (Clearly this is an imported band, as night has long fallen over Jamaica by the time of the football game). More NFL losers appear, including our own Bucs coach Jon Gruden, who shows his excellent parenting skills by screaming at his children, whom, I might add, look nothing like Chucky.

Daunte Culpepper makes an appearance, wearing the ice he ceremoniously ripped from that disabled kid a few days ago. Roethlisberger finally joins in and shows his best Gary Fencik moves, reminding us all he left Miami early (thus missing out on what would have been a much-needed drama class).

By now, you’re wondering what the point of this nonsense is. Well, I’m proud to inform you that there was no point, just that there will be another NFL season next year, in which every team will have a chance. (Why they show Gruden is beyond me, as there’s no way in hell the Bucs are making the playoffs anytime soon). Maybe it’s a jab at the now-defunct NHL.

Also, why Joe Montana is in this ad baffles me. Everyone else in this spot is a current NFL player or coach. He’s as out of place as Willis McGahee at a debate competition.

12th commercial break - Halftime break #3
51. Local Toyota spot
52. Local Publix spot
Normally I wouldn't comment on a local spot, but this one was so disturbing I couldn't let it go quietly.

The gist of this Publix (a grocery store chain) ad is a little kid who wants to bake a heart-shaped Valentine's Day cake for his "special girl." Mom decides to help, even when the kid is suspiciously quiet about whom it's for. In the end, the mother realizes the cake is for the boy's true love:


Sick, Publix, just sick. You should be ashamed of yourselves.

53-54. Local spots
13th/14th commercial break - Halftime breaks #4/#5
55-56. Ford Mustang Convertible
Either somebody fucked up, or Ford really wanted to make sure they didn't miss somebody in the bathroom, as Fox ran two back-to-back single spot breaks featuring the same ad.

I don't really know what the point of this was, except to mask that Ford couldn't produce their Mustang Convertibles in time, but the main question I have about this spot is, WHY THE HELL IS THERE A STOP LIGHT
IN THE MIDDLE OF THE ROAD? From the photos, you can clearly see there is no crossroad there. Just a stoplight. In the middle of nowhere.


Okay, folks, that's it for the first half. Stay tuned for our review of the second half!


The Definitive Super Bowl Commercials Review, part one

From the people who brought you Burke & Kline's Mocksession:

The annual Super Bowl Commercial Review!

This is coming in parts because it's taking me longer than I anticipated. But have no fear, we will make it through all 89 spots that aired from kickoff until the end of the game. But for now, here's my review of the first two commercial breaks.

1st commercial break - 11:43 left, 1st quarter
1. Bud Light
Ahh, skydiving. Who doesn't love it? Well, one guy, it seems, as he gets cold feet and won't jump. So his instructor tosses out a six-pack of Bud Light as "incentive"... but he's too late. The pilot jumps out first, then the instructor.

Of course, if they knew anything about physics, they'd realize Newton's Second Law dictates they will never reach the bottles of beer, unless they can manage to morph their bodies into a shape with a lower coefficient of drag than a glass cylinder of beer. Which is unlikely.


2. Ciba Vision O2 Optix Contact Lenses
People walk around town with giant bubbles around their heads, because they're using contact lenses that somehow double as SCUBA gear.
Frankly, this commercial reminded me of Aquatic Ruins 1 in Sonic the Hedgehog 2. (I actually played the game for a half hour just to get this blurry screenshot.)
3. Constantine
At first glance, my response was, "Awesome! The Matrix sequel that doesn't suck!" Then I realized it was a totally different movie. I think.

Also, in the year of cleaner, more family friendly ads, note that a film rated R for "Demonic Images" was shown in the Super Bowl's very first commercial break.

4. Diet Pepsi
Poor P.Diddy. His shoddily-made Bentley broke down again, and in the middle of nowhere! Luckily, a Diet Pepsi truck just happens to come by, and Puffy doesn't even have to threaten anybody with a pistol to catch a ride!
P.Diddy's appearance at the generic awards ceremony turns Diet Pepsi trucks into the hottest fad. Old people, hot women, and even these two dorks get in on the action,
and then Carson Daly reminds us of exactly how irrelevant he is.

A clever idea, but also a very grounding one: there's no question of how lame P.Diddy is if he's appearing in Diet Pepsi spots. Actually, I take that back. It's not clever.

5. Bubbilicious
Bubbilicious told us the new LeBron-designed gum flavour was "long-awaited," but I don't know anyone who's going to be stalking out the 7-11 tomorrow morning for their first grab at "Lightning Lemonade." I think I'd rather chew rubber cement.

This spot was only a 15-second one, and nothing really happened, except for LeBron blowing a giant bubble. BORRR-ING!

6. Olympus Groove Machine
Honestly, this is a pretty cool product. Which makes it sad that the commercial for it was so lame. First, we get to see some old Japanese people. Either they're dancing, or having convulsions. In either case, you feel sorry for them. The last time Asian people were so grossly exploited for American capitalism, they were building a transcontinental railroad.

...And then you have this. I don't know if this director just finished reading some Marquis de Sade or what, but I found the blindfolded kid particularly disturbing. Clearly this kid enjoys wearing the blindfold often, such as when he dresses himself.

7. McCartney Halftime Show Promo
Every year, the Super Bowl halftime show brings us a display of the new and the hip.

This year, we got a display of someone who needs a new hip.

2nd commercial break - 9:55 left, 1st quarter
8. The Pacifiier
In Soviet Russia, The Pacifier sucks you.

Vin Diesel, the human action figure (someone check his heels for peg-holes) makes another movie no one cares about or will watch.

9. Federal Express
In my business, we have a little practice called "trying too hard." FedEx here tries to give us the "perfect" Super Bowl spot by listing off the qualities that make up a great commercial.
And thus we get Burt Reynolds. Honestly, I have a hard time mocking anything that involves Burt Reynolds.
...unless that thing is kicking Burt Reynolds in the junk. Then all bets are off.

"Family Friendly" scorekeepers, mark this one down in the "painfully inappropriate" category.

10. Bud Light
Remember last year, when Budweiser got in all that trouble for portraying women as nagging all the time? Guess who doesn't?

If you answered "Budweiser," award yourself 500 nasty letters from NOW.

Anyway, the point of this spot is that Cedric the Entertainer once again fails to Entertain or even Slightly Amuse as he cribs on Diedrich Bader's performance in Office Space.

"Two chicks at the same time, man."

11. Volvo / Virgin
"5, 4, 3, 2, 1, we have liftoff."

Someone on board is proud of their Volvo. After all, it's the first V-8 with Volvo safety. Whatever that means.

Hey, wait a minute. Richard Branson? WTF? Shouldn't your other vehicle be SpaceShipOne? Or are you already bailing on that miserable excuse for a business venture?
12. Diet Pepsi
Wow, look at this sexy guy. Ehh, on second thought, he's kind of average-looking. And that skull cap is probably hiding a bald spot. Or cornrows. Regardless, his walking seems to be aimless and he resembles a vagrant. Better have someone bring him in for questioning.

Cindy Crawford? Wow! You look a lot older since I last saw you!

She's checking out our hero, perhaps because she has a thing for guys on the Atkins diet.

Carson Kressley from Queer Eye for the Straight Guy makes his appearance, and, despite the protagonist's frightful combination of shirt and pants, falls into the lockstep of lemmings following... some guy drinking Diet Pepsi. Maybe they've mistaken him for Luke Wilson.

The first of what will be a series of entirely nonsensical spots this evening.

13. Go-Daddy
Super Bowl spot fans didn't have to wait long to see this year's most talked-about ad. The premise was pretty simple. A large-breasted woman dances around and promotes Go-Daddy domain registration.

Suddenly, and entirely unexpectedly, her strap pops off. What an unfortunate mishap.

Of special note is the clever "G-SPIN" parody of C-SPAN. Wait, no it isn't.

Supreme Court Chief Justice William H.  Rehnquist makes a cameo appearance as a man, apparently, on his deathbed, who arose for one last glimpse at an enormous rack.

Fox network Standards & Practices feels the same way, buddy.

Beyond the gratuitous display of an attractive, large breasted woman, I found this spot about as useful as Dexter Manley would a copy of Beowulf.

3rd commercial break - 3:14 left, 1st quarter
14. Bud Light
Two gentlemen attending a sporting event decide to tease another friend by sending them a camera phone shot of themselves. Aww, cute. The friend reacts in a wildly inappropriate manner by, apparently, forcing one of the gentlemen's girlfriends into a grotesque sexual perversion (as it is never explained to us, we must use our imagination). All we know is that Sharon be sharin'. And, possibly, is decapitated.


15. The Longest Yard
This highly-anticipated remake of the 1974 Burt Reynolds classic made sure to reach their primary audience.

Unfortunately, the tv trailer for the new Longest Yard was marred by the appearance of Rob Schneider, whom, as far as we can tell, snuck onto the movie lot and extended his already lifeless career one more death rattle.

Somebody slap a DNR bracelet on that guy.

16. McDonald's
McDonald's taps into the "appeal to drug addicts" trend by introducing us to a couple who, clearly high on meth, believe their french fry resembles Abraham Lincoln. Seeking cash to feed their addiction, the couple puts their discovery on Yahoo! Auctions.

Obvisously, they were stoned out of their gourd, because any sober person knows nobody uses Yahoo! Auctions anymore.

Anyway, some Japanese people on their Blackberries start bidding on the item, and our crackhead couple go home happy.

Incidentally, this spot is a takeoff on the "giant Cheetoh" debacle that arose several months ago due mainly to Fark and Something Awful. Thus, we're all to blame for this awful, awful commercial.

17. Simpsons promo
Promo for postgame Simpsons episode
4th commercial break - 3:06 left, 1st quarter
18. Visa
I spend a lot of my life disappointed, but this spot was such a letdown it had me searching for the razor blades.

This spot opens with a woman screaming for help, and a cadre of superheroes coming to her rescue -- including the badass of all badasses, CAPTAIN AMERICA.

Unfortunately, it seems their assistance is unnecessary, because she uses a Visa Check Card. This is all clearly explained to us by an individual in an ill-fitting Spiderman suit who does his best Tobey Maguire impression, but ends up sounding like Alex P. Keaton. To add further insult to injury, Underdog, a legitimate NON-SUPERHERO, makes a cameo appearage at the spot tag.

Normally, the rule would be: if it has Captain America, it can't suck. The rule now has an exception. *sob*

19. Ameriquest Mortgage
This was the first of two Ameriquest spots on the evening, and they were my two favourites.

In "Bob's Market," we see this schmo talking to a friend on a handsfree kit, telling his friend that he's getting robbed on a deck deal. Bob takes this the wrong way, and pepper sprays the dude. Then, a crazed woman appears hoisting a cattle prod. Apparently, there is a steer ranch in the backyard that wasn't visible in the establishing shot. Sadistically, she continues to strike our protagonist, sending 50,000 volt shocks through his body and his mobile (time to invest in a new battery). Thumbs up for creativity and vigilanteeism. Charles Bronson smiled today. Then sneered.

20. Quizno's
If you weren't horrified by Baby Bob the first time he came around, as a peoplepc.com spokesbaby, you are a sick individual. Those of us with healthy spheres of interest cheered when the Baby Bob sitcom was pulled from CBS after, what, the first ten minutes? Something like that.

Alas, Baby Bob is back, and once again causing us all gastrointestinal disorders. Today, he's pimping Quizno's subs. What once was disturbing is now nauseating.

The juxtaposition of Baby Bob, a Quizno's turkey sub, and the attractive swimsuit-clad woman is like doing a series of shots consisting of Sauza, then Jagermeister, then Mobil 1 synthetic motor oil.

Also, shouldn't Baby Bob be, like, a 5th grader by now or something?

5th commercial break - end of 1st quarter
21. Hitch
Main Entry: 2hitch
Function: noun
3 a: a sudden halt : STOPPAGEb: a usually unforeseen difficulty or obstacle

In this case, the unforseen obstacle would be a horrible, horrible script.

Incidentally, if you *do* go see this movie, feel free to take a piss during this scene, as the tv trailer pretty much showed you the entire thing. You won't be missing much.

22. MBNA
Ah, nothing like mocking the very sport you're advertising with. Rugby, we're told, the sport of no helmets or million dollar commercials. We don't get much a glimpse of it though, before we're rudely interrupted by... a 60's Motown singer?

In the 1992 film “White Men Can’t Jump,” Woody Harrelson’s character Billy Hoyle reveals his true oblivion to African-american culture by mistakently referring to Gladys Knight’s band as the “Pimps.”

Here, clearly, Knight is playing hooker. (Oh snap! I made a rugby joke!)

Look, I like non sequitur humour as much as the next guy, and can belt me out some "If You Ever Need Somebody" in the shower. But no one, and I stress, NO ONE, should ever be forced to look at Gladys Knight's ass on national television. I mean, Christ, she looks like the boa constrictor drawing at the beginning of The Little Prince.

23. Honda Ridgeline
I don't know where this spot takes place, and I quit caring about three seconds into it. Only my dedication to make fun of it kept me watching to see what the damn point was. Finally, I realized it was for yet another new SUV, one even Honda realizes is so ugly they need to show it from long shots until absolutely necessary for...

the closeup. Ugh. Did you know it's FOUR- WHEEL DRIVE? (We're informed of this.) I never would have guessed an SUV be four-wheel drive. How convenient.

Honda Ridgeline, for when all the good names are taken.

24. 24 promo
Do you think I'm the only one who's noticed the coincidence? Knowing Fox, I'm sure this was well-planned.

Furthermore, I have to lament here, at the end of the first quarter, on what is either ruination of our language by our president or an attempt by Fox to play the language apologist. Verbatim, from the promo, quote of Secretary Heller:

"We could have six NUKULAR disasters on our hands."

Seriously, this is getting out of hand.

Okay, folks, that's it for the first quarter. Stay tuned for our review of the second quarter and halftime!


Best, and most accurate, meme ever

You scored as Extemp. You are extemporaneous speaking. You know everything about current events. Others look to you when they need up to date information. You are there to provide it in a logical, well-supported manner. You just need 30 minutes first.























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